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Let's share some jokes!

damon

Adventurer
Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Hot-air balloon

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Worms

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the pearly gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited.
Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
 

Methor

Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Think of a number between 0 and 20
add 32

multiply by 2

subtract 1

Now close your eyes



Dark isn't it?
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
@Methor silly! :D

Actual stupid questions asked
They were taken from real court records.


Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
You won't go to jail

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Hold on to Your Hat!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold on to this hat!"
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 

damon

Adventurer
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
The Definition of OLD

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed."Why Wal-Mart? "
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

.✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*. .✫*゚・゚。.★.*。・゚✫*.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 

damon

Adventurer
LOL . . . :D



Laugh as long as you breathe, love as long as you live!
´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´
 

damon

Adventurer
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
@damon ;):p

Get Out of the Car!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Mr. Monaghan's Obituary

Mrs. Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a euro per word, and that he remembered Pete, and it was certainly too bad he had passed away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two euros, but she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and said he would give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Monaghan sincerely thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for sale".
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went? "
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
Spell-Check

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him:
"Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?"
St Peter replies: "Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you'll be free to enter."
"What word?," she asks. "Please tell me!"
"Spell LOVE," and you can enter, replied St Peter.
Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.
After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.
Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.
"Darling! I thought you'd never get here," she says in greeting. "I have missed you so much...tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?"
Her husband replied: "Well, it's good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then - I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head...so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it's really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?"
The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: "Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too...but, well, I guess life goes on - right?"
"Right!," he said. "So, tell me...how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I'd get here. Is it easy to get in?"
"Oh, yes," she replied. "All you have to do is spell one word"
"Okay!" he said excitedly. "What word?"
"Czechoslovakia"
 

damon

Adventurer
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."
 

Pink Sunset

Senior Game Moderator
Elvenar Team
The bronze statues

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
 

damon

Adventurer
There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.

. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah.

.I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?

! Me too!

Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.

Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?

Guy 1: 1988!

guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew each other.

The barman replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."